HAIG in HELL

In Hell (alpha order): Dubya Bush, Gerald Ford, A. Sinister Force, Alexander Haig, Bob Haldeman, Henry Kissinger Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George Schultz, Deep Throat (Mark Felt), Casper Weinberger.

In DC (alpha order) Hillary Clinton, Obama, Woodward & Bernstein.

[Note: all quotes are verbatim.]

Cast assembles around a circular table
for a séance led by A. Sinister Shade
who brings each of the departed back.

Haig: Where am I now?…now I remember:
“I am in control here” the Hell I am, it's
“pending the return of the vice president”
I was "vicar of American foreign policy."

Schultz: Al, “I think of you as a patriot's patriot;
no matter how they sliced you
you came out red, white & blue.
You were always willing to serve”

enter Kissinger: Actually, I was always in charge.
enter Haldeman: Actually, I was in charge.
Nixon: Yes, you were Bob, Kissinger, ah, lies.

Deep Throat: Who can I tell this to?
Shade: Tell me. I will tell no one...

Woodward & Bernstein lurk about, listening.
Kissinger: I was always in charge.
They ignore him & Ford, asleep beside him..

Kissinger: Haig "soon became indispensable"
Weinberger: No, I was indispensable.
Kissinger: I am still indispensable!

In a gesture of comity::

Obama: In “our finest warrior-diplomat tradition
Haig “dedicated his life to public service."

In a gesture of co-comity:

Hillary: Haig “served his country in many capacities
many years, earning honor on the battlefield,
confidence of presidents & prime ministers,
earning "the thanks of a grateful nation."

Deep Throat: Fortunately, he never caught me.
Reagan: Who?
Dubya: That Deep Throw guy.

All rise, except Haig.